No one wants to continue to feel like they are trapped inside their own inability to stand up for themselves. Yet, a majority of us have that exact problem. Saying “no” to someone you know well is not about them as much as it is about you.
Have you ever thought about what is really going on inside your head? I’m sure you have and yet, if you didn’t get the answer that gave you the ability to say “no,” then you really didn’t get the right answer. Let’s look at what causes you to say “yes” or “no” and discuss what mental shift needs to happen for you in order to conquer this challenge.
Saying “No” only works if you have the correct state of mind. If “no” is not in place, then saying “no” will only build more fear and guilt and cause you emotional turmoil. Worst of all, the person you said “no” to won’t believe you anyway and they will continue to take advantage of your inability to hold the “no” ground. Tell me it isn’t so…
Saying the word “No” is simple. Saying it and really meaning it is not an option when you don’t have the right state of mind. Because, before you can even begin to develop the skill of saying “no” your state of mind and attitude must be “NO.”
Pamela’s Point: You Have To Have The Attitude Of “NO IS OK” Before You Can Say It And Mean It.
Where do you begin? First, you must understand why you can’t say “no.” Attitudes come from beliefs and your beliefs seat your values. When your values are honored, you have a good attitude and you honor yourself. When your values are not honored, your attitude is not so good, is it? When this is so, quite often you don’t honor yourself.
In order to prove my point: On a sheet of paper draw three columns spaced evenly across the page and write these words in between each column, underlining the words…
Top 3 Values | I can say “No” to and do ;-) | I CAN’t say “NO” to, but want to ;-(
Now, under each underlined section of each column fill in your responses to those column headings before you read further. Two or three names are sufficient. If you choose to not physically do the exercise, at least mentally list these.
Hmmmmm hmmm hmmmm. Just waiting for you to process…
Thank you for honoring yourself, you are making progress by honoring yourself enough to do the exercise.;-)
In looking at your results what did you notice about the people in the column titled I can say “no” to? Do they honor your top 3 values? Yes and/or No is the correct answer here – it doesn’t matter. This answer is not the one that gives you the self-awareness and insight you are looking for, it’s a build.
The real question here is your answer to column three, do you honor your own values when you are around the people you placed under I CAN’T say “NO” to, but want to column, do they make it safe and OK for you to really be you? Do they honor your values? Likely not. Do you honor your top values when you are with them and they ask you to do something? Likely not.
The difference is that no matter how others treat you, when you honor your own values, “NO is OK” for you; you give yourself permission to have the attitude of “no” and you are fine with that. What does that mean for you about the last column? It’s dawning on you, I can feel it… Burn this in your brain, when your values are not honored you must find a way to honor them, no matter what! Values are the core of our being, they are our “auto-pilot” and they need to be honored. When we do not honor our values, we get sick, become angry, feel humiliated, defeated, frustrated, and end up blaming others for our hurt and this results in us manifesting victim behaviors and living a life less than desirable. Not pretty, let’s not go there.
But how do I honor my values?
When you realize you are not honoring your own values you have to look at the circumstances that are happening around you and decide what must be done in order for you to honor yourself. Whaaat?
Let’s take for instance, you have a value of acceptance and every time you get around Mr. Dunn, you feel rejected. You have to work extra hard for the scraps you hope he will send you. He may give you a compliment, yet the message will still leave you with a sense of “this doesn’t feel right.” When this happens, you are at a crossroads, you either stand up for your values or you cave and do whatever he says and then feel awful about him and yourself. Until you stand up for your values and decide you are accepted whether Mr. Dunn says yes or no, you are defeated. I know it feels like if you stand up for yourself, he will hit you harder and things will be worse. That will happen only if No is not OK with you. If you decide “No is OK” then you will be set free, it won’t matter what he says or does, because “No really is OK.” Assertive actions are not easy to take the first few times, in fact, it can be downright scary. AND I promise that once you do it, you will never want to turn back; it is a decision, not an action. The action is the easy part, the decision is the tough part yet, that is where you will get set free. Try it, you might like it.
What do you have to lose that you haven’t already lost?
What situations have you had where you finally stood up for yourself and had the attitude of “No is OK?” How did it go? What did it feel like? Were you set free? I welcome your comments.
Pamela affectionately refers to herself as the “Queen of Conflict!” She’s not a natural peacemaker; she’s had to learn the fine art of ‘conflict management’ the hard way. To learn more about Pamela and for more tips on ways to Communicate With CLASS visit http://communicatewithclass.com.
